2 things

Two things that I'm missing right now. Granted, these are not the only things I'm missing but these are what came to mind and I felt like publisizing, dammit!

First, the scent of a woman in a very non-Al Pachino type sence. I'm missing the soft scent of a woman as I hold her to me when I fall asleep. Very much so. I broke up with a girl once partially because I hated her perfume and she liked to pile it on before we met. Sorry, Stephanie, but it's true. You were also a bad lay, but honestly that was the last straw not part of the initial load.

Second thing I'm missing is a blowjob. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean any ol' blowjob. I have made the statement before that I would rather have no blowjob than a bad blowjob and I still stand by my words. I mean a decent to great blowjob. Yes, there is a difference ladies. If you close your eyes make a sour face and bob your head on the end of my penis you are not giving me a blowjob. What you are giving me is frustration. If you don't want to do it. Don't. I may have gone down on you for the last 20 minutes and if that doesn't em-passion you to want to please me back then please don't. I will warn you that if you don't you won't be a long lived lover of mine, though. I want all of you in the bed not a partial giving or a duty to be fullfiled.

While I'm on the subject. Ladies, I do not have sex very frequently now a days, which is my own problem, but when and if I ever have sex again, please last more than 45 minutes. The last few sexual experiences I've had last that long max and I'm left hanging. Honestly, let's try to perpetuate the myth that men come before women. I don't have sex often please make it worth it. Maybe that's why I don't have sex more often. Is it because I know it only lasts for a nite or two and you women can't keep up? 60% of my partners just haven't known what they're doing. Ladies, let's pick up the pace and show your worth the effort.

Yeah, that was more than two things but you read this far now didn't you?

Cammie

can't sleep, things swirl, the start of Tyler(?)

So, I tried to lay down just down just now but no dice. Can't sleep. Which isn't surprising. Lately 4 out of 7 nites I have to put myself down to go to bed. Too much energy. I can't believe I have this sort of issue. I was trying to sleep just now. Things started swirling. I started thinking about Ashley, the last woman to share my bed, and how I ran into her just before a blind date recently. She and I connected for about a week and then I got a brush off. Regardless of the reasons why the main reason is I liked her and when I like 'em they vanish. I was walking out of Dell on Friday and I smelled a scent that was pure Michelle, back when we first started living together. That was so bittersweet. I really miss connecting with someone on a different level that involves intimacy. Granted, I love sex and seem to do rather well at it, but I'm talking about the afterglow. The everything that comes with it. Waking up in bed together, someone who gives you random hugs, grabs my ass in public, argues with me when I'm wrong, makes me want to improve myself to look better in their eyes. It always seems to follow with pain when I find it but at some point it won't and that's where I stop. To quote Fiona Apple on this one, "This is not about love. Cause I am not in love. As a matter of fact I can't keep from falling out. I miss that stupid ache." I love intimacy but shy from the initial stages due to fear of rejection. I wish I was more confident but most of my friends will attest that I am far better than when they first met me. I'm a late bloomer, like my pal Charlie says. I keep thinking about Ashley and how much we clicked and how sweet things seemed for that week. I want that back but I fall flat on my face every direction I turn. I get propositioned by those I'm uninterested in. I say I want to get "Laid" but I don't want a one nite thing. I'm looking for a steady that can make me feel that stupid ache, again. I'm getting ready to make some big bucks a Dell, I'm getting a new car, I love my Apt, but in the end the only thing that really makes me feel whole is that human connection. Because I'm co-dependant at heart and nothing will ever change that about me. I can camouflage it with anime, movies, graphic novels, alcohol, and weed. But... in the end I still just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm worth it. Sad or not. That is what is sitting at the bottom of Cameron, folks. Happy, bitter, excited, pensive, argumentative...It all boils down to : Cameron is waiting for someone. and waiting . . .

Plugged in again.

So. I'm live and online again. I didn't think it would change my behavior that much but ther shiny newness is dazzeling my eyes. I haven't had my own computer or internet connection in about 2 years. So I have lost touch with about everuything on the net. Like; what people use to download things, what chat programs are being used, who's hot or not, and all of my profiles are pretty out of date. I'm tring to start getting outside and around town lake again. I won a computer and an Mp3 player form Dell. Can't say they never did me right working for them. I'd like to go check out some shows again down town and inject a bit of spontinaety[sp] back into my life. Some one drag me out side from time to time please. Too many series, books, comics, and movies to consume and I want them all at once. I still want to go drunken' Putt-Putting soon.