Saturday, February 23, 2008

My Bad...Maybe not

So I spent most of this week feeling lost in thought and spaced out. Like this:


I found out I wasn't working on the same wavelength as the person I was dating, recently. I had figured it out in my head pretty quick but I kept letting it swirl about in my head. I guess that is what spawned the notion for the trip last Sat. I got some things worked out but I wasn't settled. I got told on Tue and that confirmed my gut feeling and turned the rest of the week into Suckville pop. Me. Then on Thurs. morning on the ride to work I had a smile moment. My churning thoughts had produced a moment of happy.


Even if this does suck and you feel like you missed out on something that could have been wonderful...You have to feel this way sometimes. If you don't then you aren't living. The moments of elation and ebbing tides of sad that follow are part of a full life lived. We will all have regrets and could have beens. This was one of mine. I should enjoy the fact that I get to ride the ride instead of living in tedious flat day to day gray.

I wrote my reply back after 2 days of doing this in my head to her.



I'm glad I found this image. It is comprehensive. I felt better afterwards but it doesn't mean I have gotten her dislodged from my head. This weekend didn't fix it but it has helped so far.

This last dating scenario was a far cry from what my usual dating course looked like. Mostly e-mails instead of face to face. Slow pace with trust issues but less physical walls. I was confused and screwed up somewhere. Either way, I move forward. I was able to realize a next step for me. Being rejected by someone I like and not losing my self worth. I hadn't hung my self esteem on this one. I took some time to look at me and get some perspective on what I want right now.


So now I relax on a Sunday morning thinking back on A rockin' Friday nite and a Saturday nite cuddlefest. I'm ok. It sucks that I missed out on something I thought I really wanted but I'll never know and now I need to move on.

Cameron matures just a bit more and he ninjas his heart away for the next attack.



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Now playing: Klaxons - Gravity's Rainbow [Soulwax Remix]
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, February 17, 2008

What Dreams May Come

Last nite ended well. Went to sleep to defragment my head after a solid 5 hour 5 gram trip. My brain went through some good changes. Now Cameron v11.2.3! I am surprised my last blog made any sense at all. I've never tried to type coherently while tripping. Anyway, I don't really dream that often so that I 'member them. In the case of last nite it was a might bit different. It was all good things. I usually can't fly in my dreams or if I can it's only a foot or two off the ground. On top of than I can never show anyone. Last nite I was much more accomplished at it. It felt great. To focus and lift off the ground without effort and move at will.
People were chasing me but I was too nimble. I don't usually win very often in my dreams. There is usually something wrong; like I can't see well, or I can only fly a foot off the ground with no real speed, or I just can't run that fast.

Before that, something that I haven't been able to approach correctly, for a bit, was comfortable and felt normal. I was happy with how that was working. It was nice to be past the nervous part.

And to top it off, the piece that Sean G. made for me was found in my dream. Sugar Tits

She is still at large.

I did a lot of thinking on my trip, of course. I made a few decisions. Thought about myself and what way I have been allowing my self to receive input from life. Listened to a large amount of digital music and watched my cats freak out on catnip for the first time. Focused on how I connect with people. Ivan made a comment about me "having walls" so I decided to take a walk around them. I'm glad I did. I hadn't talked with myself in a while. I decided it was time to stop distracting myself with TV so much and spend some time developing my network interfacing.

I feel new and like I could pull the moon down to my level. Dreams and mushrooms. It's all in my head.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Pow! Bang Ratta tat! Boom!

So my brain is popping right now. I love the feeling that tripping gives you where you feel this heightened need to connect with everything at once. Like I feel this call of mother nature and technology merging into one siren's song. Begging us to connect our collective-selves into one hot bodied consciousness. I'm doing a through brain cleansing. My inputs and outputs needed a good scrubbin'. I have had a few minor epiphanies that can't be put into words. Those are what made me realize I want to have that connection. The direct link between myself and another that allows wordless transmission of emotion. Thought. The singularity on a micro scale. I think the only hope we have of creating it is to focus on smaller connections first and then grow them. The singularity would have to be a virus, in a sense. Where it multiplies and doesn't just occur with the flick of an on switch. It has to be organic. A seamless blend of heart, mind, and information into one collective thought that carries itself forward. All of this is supposing we had a way to make this connection. The first person that invents the interface that allows a social network to know what you are feeling a the moment it is happening. That is when we make our jump. I want a plug that let's me move past social settings, polite society, and gender roles to basic thought transfer. Why can't I just have it as simple as ones and zeros. I want to be in a thought. Just a pure thought form. Intangible. I want to post this and at the same time know that everything already knows it.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Houston Weddin' Weekend what licked me to death!

So I went to Houston this last weekend for my step-sis' wedding. Brie Booth to Chris Roy. Went over on Sat. Showed up in time for a shower got dressed for the rehersal dinner. It was at

Which had a piggy theme. Lot's of figures that looked like this:
...and they were all just as gay. I didn't get a good shot of the triple set of breasts on the one statue. I think my camera refused to take the picture. I met Chris's side of the family and mingled. A lovely set of hats were given to Brie n' Chris for the Jamaican Honeymoon. and Charlie couldn't resist. I think it worked better than he knew. Saw a kid playing an old PC game called Worms 2

That nite It was back to Brie n' Chris's for a few bowls and some puppy time. They liked my ears. Yay for puppies.

Ok. So that nite I went to sleep at about 11 and woke up at 3am. I laid there for about 30 minutes listening to music and staring at the wall.
Then I got up and walked around. Listened to a Ricky Gervais podcast.

Then I got really bored.

Like really bored.

Yes, I got this bored.

I went back to bed early when the sun was coming up. I went out to the car to get flowers loaded up and spotted this store across the street and refuse to read it any other way. ASS Cleaners! Agree with ME!

The wedding was magical and seeing young people get married and watching the love in their eyes.

I knew that when I made that decision myself it would be life changing. This wedding seemed closer to home than others I have been to.

I realized that I wanted to make "sweet" love with the chocolate fountain.

I wanted to be balls deep in that chocolate flowing love. It was meant to be. I don't have a picture of me doing it because I couldn't figure out the timer in my lustful eagerness.

Afterwards, Mama and I reflected on the mess I created and looked on as the janitorial staff hosed down the area.


We looked good and I hadn't gotten a drop of chocolate on my jacket. Say what you will about me raping chocolate fountains at wedding receptions, at least I look classy after.

I caught the garter twice. Once it was passed to me by an sneaky bastard looking to pass off the wedding sentence. The second time it went straight into my had when I held it there.

Mama helped me prune my beard back to normal after a random growth appeared.

Drove home Mon. morning with little fanfare and a small hangover. Worked 1/2 assed and left when the bell rang. Fun weekend. Did some dancing saw some people who loved each other take the dive. Reflected on my me-ness. It was nice. Except that it was in Fucking Houston! Don't ever do that to me again. Sorry Ivan but Houston can suck my balls till their apple red.