can't sleep, things swirl, the start of Tyler(?)

So, I tried to lay down just down just now but no dice. Can't sleep. Which isn't surprising. Lately 4 out of 7 nites I have to put myself down to go to bed. Too much energy. I can't believe I have this sort of issue. I was trying to sleep just now. Things started swirling. I started thinking about Ashley, the last woman to share my bed, and how I ran into her just before a blind date recently. She and I connected for about a week and then I got a brush off. Regardless of the reasons why the main reason is I liked her and when I like 'em they vanish. I was walking out of Dell on Friday and I smelled a scent that was pure Michelle, back when we first started living together. That was so bittersweet. I really miss connecting with someone on a different level that involves intimacy. Granted, I love sex and seem to do rather well at it, but I'm talking about the afterglow. The everything that comes with it. Waking up in bed together, someone who gives you random hugs, grabs my ass in public, argues with me when I'm wrong, makes me want to improve myself to look better in their eyes. It always seems to follow with pain when I find it but at some point it won't and that's where I stop. To quote Fiona Apple on this one, "This is not about love. Cause I am not in love. As a matter of fact I can't keep from falling out. I miss that stupid ache." I love intimacy but shy from the initial stages due to fear of rejection. I wish I was more confident but most of my friends will attest that I am far better than when they first met me. I'm a late bloomer, like my pal Charlie says. I keep thinking about Ashley and how much we clicked and how sweet things seemed for that week. I want that back but I fall flat on my face every direction I turn. I get propositioned by those I'm uninterested in. I say I want to get "Laid" but I don't want a one nite thing. I'm looking for a steady that can make me feel that stupid ache, again. I'm getting ready to make some big bucks a Dell, I'm getting a new car, I love my Apt, but in the end the only thing that really makes me feel whole is that human connection. Because I'm co-dependant at heart and nothing will ever change that about me. I can camouflage it with anime, movies, graphic novels, alcohol, and weed. But... in the end I still just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm worth it. Sad or not. That is what is sitting at the bottom of Cameron, folks. Happy, bitter, excited, pensive, argumentative...It all boils down to : Cameron is waiting for someone. and waiting . . .